Everyone knows the feeling: the joy when someone praises us, or the pain when we feel excluded. External recognition has immense power over us - but why is that? This article explores the deep roots of the quest for approval and offers practical ways in which we can learn to find value within ourselves rather than seeking it from others.
The insatiable search for recognition: a vicious circle
I remember my time in the office when I was still working as a project and change manager in a corporate group:
- You feel confident as soon as the topic of money comes up in a conversation!
- You no longer make your self-worth dependent on the size of your account balance / your prices!
- You only listen to your intuition when it comes to (money) decisions!
- You stay confident because you know that money is always flowing with you, even when you take a break!
- You dare to invest in yourself and your personal development!
- You ask for more money because you can! (Salary increase, price change, etc.)
- You focus with humility on the abundance of money in your life!
- You stick to your guns when a customer drops out and are happy when you find out that others earn more!
- You feel at peace when you hear what others have already created for their future, because you know that you are safe!
- Money is the easiest relationship you have because you can receive!
Similar things also happened with friends:
- If I talked about a successful run and didn't get any recognition, I didn't feel important.
- When a friend was promoted, I felt envious because she now had more admiration.
Such experiences accompany many of us - it is an eternal cycle of searching for confirmation. But the "kick" of this recognition doesn't last long, does it?
The origin: Our childhood shapes our desire for affirmation
The origin of this behavior often lies deep in our childhood. If children are not seen and heard enough, they learn to look for their worth on the outside. This was also the case with me. Although my mother was a wonderful lion mother who raised four children, there was often little room for individual needs in our everyday lives.
This means that many of us carry emotional wounds from childhood that become entrenched in us as adults. If our needs were not recognized as children, we develop an insecure self-image and build our self-confidence on external evaluations. These experiences become deeply rooted in our subconscious.
An example about me: At school, I began to fight for good grades, not for the joy of learning, but to gain recognition from parents and teachers. Later, I looked for jobs that shone outwardly through title and salary because I believed that this would bring the highest level of recognition. This restlessness and constant comparison with others led to an inner imbalance. The constant urge to prove myself led to self-doubt, sleep problems and emotional exhaustion.
How recognition influences our lives
Chemical processes in all areas of our lives
The cry for approval affects every facet of our lives: our career decisions, our relationships and even our health. As soon as we receive praise or approval, we feel good. But as soon as the affirmation is not forthcoming, insecurity returns. These are chemical processes in our body that make us dependent on external appreciation.
Chemical processes as drugs
Our brain releases dopamine - the "happiness hormone" - when we receive recognition. But similar to a drug, our system gets used to it and demands more and more in order to achieve the same high. This dependence on external validation leads us further and further away from ourselves. We lose touch with our own desires and needs.
The path to self-acceptance: Why it is so important to take responsibility
Your responsibility for more abundance
The truth is: No one but ourselves can give us the value we desire. It is our responsibility to fill this inner lack and give ourselves the recognition we so desperately seek on the outside.
But how do you take this step? It's about coming to terms with yourself and looking inwards.
Steps that can help you find the way to yourself:
- Self-reflection and clarity: Find out who you really are by asking yourself the following questions: Which people have shaped you the most? Which experiences in your life have been particularly decisive for your development? This reflection will give you clarity about which beliefs and behavioral patterns you have adopted from your past.
- Recognize false beliefs: Many of the beliefs we adopt throughout our lives come from others - family, friends or society. Ask yourself: Which of these beliefs really correspond to your truth? Which expectations and values have you simply adopted without questioning them?
- Redefine values and goals: Ask yourself: What is really important to me? What are my true desires and goals, regardless of what others expect of me? These questions can help you to re-evaluate your professional and personal decisions and find the courage to live your own truth.
Exercises for self-appreciation: step by step to your own value
Self-love and self-acceptance are not one-off successes, but daily practices. It's like training a muscle. It requires motivation, some structure and loving discipline.
Tips to help you find your value within yourself
- Take responsibility for your actions Observe how often you do or say things to gain the approval of others. If you notice that you are looking for external approval again, stop and ask yourself: Do I really want this? Do I want to go down this path or am I just doing it to please others?
- Celebrate your small successes Take time every day to give yourself recognition. Write down what you have achieved that day - no matter how small the successes may seem. Did you eat a healthy meal? Did you cancel an appointment because you needed time for yourself? These small moments of self-care are crucial to your wellbeing.
- Practice self-love Give yourself a compliment every day. It may feel weird at first, but the more you do it, the more you will be able to recognize your own worth. One day you will look in the mirror and say: "I am valuable just the way I am."
- Get support Sometimes it is helpful to be accompanied by someone who has already walked this path. A coach, mentor or a trusted person who is already where you want to be can help you to overcome your inner blocks and support you on your path to self-acceptance.
How meditation and mindfulness can help you
Another important practice for finding inner recognition is mindfulness. Meditation teaches you to experience the moment without constantly looking outwards. It's about calming your mind and feeling yourself. Meditation helps you to observe your thoughts and let go of the constant comparison with others. I am also happy to help you get into practice here. There are many different types of meditation and it's fun to try them out 😊
Conclusion: Self-appreciation is the key to a fulfilled life
In my opinion, the path to self-appreciation is crucial to leading a fulfilled and satisfied life. Most people seek recognition on the outside, but true fulfillment only comes when you honestly learn to appreciate yourself. Once you have recognized your own worth, you will no longer need validation from others. You will be able to create a life that gives you joy and meaning - both professionally and personally.
You can take the first step now: Think about which area of your life you are particularly looking for recognition in and start giving yourself this affirmation. This is the path to true freedom and inner peace.
Read my other blog articles too, because they are all connected:
The power of writing: How biographical coaching can help you make peace and find and strengthen your own identity
Any questions?
If you have any questions or would like my support, just send me a message to info@jessycahaas.com
